Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Vol. 167: Up in the Sky

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     Good morning, good afternoon and good evening distinguished ladies and gentlemen of the front, this is Thelonius Ronscpiacy back from the explosive region that is Anoka County. Friends, the battle proves to be tough and the fortitude of our resolve will be continued to be tested at every turn, so we must remain ever vigilant in exposing the foul stench that is politics as usual, revolting as it is. But in every fight there must be a victor and the spoils will not last long in the refrigerators of our contentment if the planet continues on its dreaded course. The answer is simple: we can't let the meteors win.
This happens all the time on days' when Popes' resign. It's no big deal.

"Do you see what I see?"

     Let me begin with the world reaching news that has consumed this gonzo journalist and that has been consuming all of Italy for the past couple of weeks, and that is the shocking news of the resignation of Pope Benedict on February 11th, 2013. What is also fact, is that only hours after he had announced his early retirement, lightning struck St. Peter's Basilica, twice, shortly before 6pm local time in Rome. This cannot be mere coincidence. Does something wicked this way come? God or whatever you may want to call it, doesn't make mistakes. As a result, my mind has slowly been unravelling the idea that we may be witnessing prophecy in the making, the coming of the Petrus Romanus, the election of the final Pope. Therefore, he just might be the false prophet ushering in the Anti-Christ? Or it may just be an escape clause to get out while the getting is good before more sexual-child abuse scandals litter the halls like empty bags of flaming hot-Cheetos in a neighborhood middle school. Or is it that Pope Benedict has to get to Castel San Gandolfo in a hurry to use the Vatican's observatory to make contact with their masters' (UFOs)? Which then leads to the questions, what UFO secrets lay hidden beneath and behind the walls of the Vatican for nearly thousands of years? As early as the 1400's, UFOs began popping up in Christian artwork. Why? What ever happened in Fatima, Portugal on October 13th, 1917? Was it an apocalyptic prophecy of fiery swords and demonic beasts? Is the city of seven hills about to crumble before our very eyes? Stay tuned; it's about to get messy like a wild weekend in Breezy Point, Minnesota. Grazie!
"Hey look, up in the sky!"
"We couldn't paint clouds very well."
     On another note of the pathetic nature of politics in the United States, the much dreaded doomsday sequester of March 1st has come and gone and each side is still pointing their sticky stinking fingers at each other. The Congress passed it, the President signed it, and yet they both figure they are not to blame. The $85 billion dollar cuts amount to 2.4% of the Federal Budget, of which we are 16.6 trillion and counting in debt.  If we are having this much difficulty doing this very little, how in the world are we ever going to ever get back to even? Do we then admit failure and throw in the towel? Maybe the UFOs will bail us out and introduce a new currency? Or have they already done that and we don't even know it? Let that marinate for a bit. Until the next time,

                                               Yours truly, from the front lines,
                                                                      Thelonius Ronscpiacy

     Jack Scharber here, picking up where Ronscpiacy has brilliantly left us and instead I will be taking a side road onto one of vast appreciation. In light of Quentin Tarantino winning his 2nd Oscar for Best Original Screenplay for the N-word laced exploitation piece Django Unchained; I reminisce about what is the most original piece of cinematic genius to have graced theaters in the 90's, his masterpiece, Pulp Fiction. The opening five minutes of that film was gold presented in celluloid form. Like the briefcase of Marsellus Wallace's, the film opened the landscape of American Pop-Culture, with socioeconomic commentary, "What then, day jobs?" Far from it. The movie hearkens back to time gone by, and I fondly remember the AMC Crossroads theater in Roseville where I, accompanied with the always engaging girlfriend at that time who I will lovingly only refer to as JS in respect for her privacy (you know who you are); the time and place when and where I almost passed-out during the adrenaline shot scene where a bath robed Lance had to drop his treasured bowl of "Fruit Brute" in order to help save the life of Mia Wallace from a heroin overdose; all which resulted in the fact that I had to spend time in the lobby and bathroom splashing cold water on my face, experiencing a panic attack. However, the episode didn't stop me from returning to view the film three more times in movie theaters the following weeks. With the help of the skewed genius that is Quentin Tarantino we have gone from a "Five dollar milkshake," to Kelis's "milkshake brings all the boys to the yard," to Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood, "I drink your milkshake." Everything is connected.
     In another sign that we are living in a brave new world, ask yourself, just how pervasive is China's hacking? Apparently the Chinese equivalent of the NSA (National Security Agency) has been hacking into the NY Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post and other reputable news sources in order to gain information on Fortune 500 companies so the Chinese government can do their best to maintain 7% economic growth. They admit nothing, but then again, no government in the world has admitted that it has or ever used cyber weapons; Israel doesn't have a nuclear bomb and Iran isn't working on one.
     The first trip for the new Secretary of State of the United States, John Kerry, proving that if you didn't win the election, at least you get to travel the world ten times over, had him visiting London. Where else would one go, but report to their new boss first thing Monday morning? The British Empire didn't rule the globe with the help of Rothschild money in the 19th century and then disappear on accident. As Deep throat (brilliantly played by Hal Halbrook) said in the film All the President's Men, "Follow the money."

"And I'm like holding onto the handlebars like this....."
     On another note, Hugo Chavez, the annoying fly that kept pestering the United States Government for over a decade and frequent but yet always entertaining guest speaker at the United Nations has succumbed to cancer after a two year battle, dead at the age of 58. So, if you listen hard enough, you can hear the planes and tankers of multinational companies heading their way to Venezuela to grab as much oil as they can at discount prices.
     Finally, there is the road accident spilt-milk mentality of many of the curious and stupid, (see the Mound High School Hockey team, the school's administrators, parents and the plethora of Internet copycats) which is the The Harlem Shake. "Taste this, it's awful." If that's not proof of the dumbing down of a generation, I don't know what is? The search for intelligent life continues.

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